Inspiration for the interpretation of the card „Hangman”
For illustration of the card “Hangman”, I chose one of my own experiences.
Depression from satisfaction
“It seems absurd when you first hear it, right?” I would say.
But that was the way I felt it. And it was not so long ago. It was at a time when I was living alone, after the divorce, in a one bedroom flat, my daughter was happily married to a Czech man and they were working in the English countryside. My son was also happily married and I had two wonderful grandsons from him. I was visiting my girlfriend in a house 150 kilometres from where I lived, where she also had to drive from a different city (it was a house her father left her, which included a carving workshop and later my painting studio), I was making enough money to live comfortably. I also started doing small business on the side apart from advertising, I delivered goods to small businessmen on my way to my girlfriend's house, which paid for the petrol and a part of the costs of my flat. In short, a great life for somebody else.
But I didn't create anything, I botched many of the things which I wanted to do in the house because I am a blunderbuss and I did many things sort of automatically, without any enthusiasm and good feeling. And I was becoming aware of it. Depression, because even though I had everything under control, a steady income, a clear schedule of the day, I didn't find any joy in it. It lasted a couple of years and I was afraid of changing anything, of ruining it.
My girlfriend told me: “Well then just sit down and paint something or make something out of wood,” but I when sat down in front of my easel nothing came.
I couldn't do it. I had less commissions in my advertising job and I didn't have the strength to do anything else, I was just waiting and waiting for something to come. Instead of painting I was working around the house, but badly. So in the end, I didn't have any new commissions, I didn't paint anything and what I did do, I usually botched.
Although I did have money, the more I was trying to please my girlfriend the more it usually backfired because of my gawkiness and I didn't have the courage for creative work anymore, as I didn't want to fail at that as well. And so days went past, and months and years. Vicious circle. I couldn't move, it was as if I was hanging in a single spot. I didn't want to curse, but I was looking up and I said to myself that something had to come, probably something bad, to kick-start me again.
And it did. Thanks to paradentosis my wisdom teeth had to be removed, I lost the biggest client in the advertisement business and, as the cherry on top, an executor froze my accounts and took from me more than two hundred thousand crowns.
The first thing that came to mind was: “You got what you wanted!”
Followed by: “What am I gonna do? I can't manage this.”
But the last thing I thought was: “Now you can finally prove what is inside of you. Figure it out, organize and create. And not only can you do it, now you have to.”
And it worked. I started painting again and I also started doing interpretation of tarot cards. It's a long-term goal, but I am happy, because now I am not rushing anywhere, but I have motivation.
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